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caustic thoughts, my head is a mess right now
my head is a mess right now

i’m trying to keep up the act. pretend that i’m okay and that i’ve got my shit together. i don’t. i feel like such a failure.

i’m 21. i’ve been at a community college for 4 years. FOUR YEARS. and i feel like i’ve accomplished nothing. i work for minimum wage at a yogurt shop. i live with my parents. i’m broke as fuck right now.

and i have no idea what the hell i’m doing with my life. i’m so so scared. what do i do after this semester? i don’t want to be that person that everyone looks at with disdain or pity because they’re still doing the same thing they did 4 years ago.

i want to go to chicago. i do. but i also don’t want to leave. everyone keeps telling me that i’m not weak or dependent for staying but i am. not going is like giving up. everyone is gonna look at me and think wow she pussied out. she can’t even move to another state. i don’t want to be that person. i want to be able to go anywhere, do anything.

but i also want to stay here. i want to be with my friends. watch their kids grow up. live in this place that i’ve called home for my entire life. but i’ve burned so many bridges here, i feel like i’m trapped.

i’ve pushed people away. i’ve told everyone that i’m waiting for chicago to look for a guy, or that i’m just too busy. i’ve stayed at yogurtland because it’s convienent and i love my coworkers even though i need a better paying job. i’ve made excuses but the truth is i’m scared. i’m scared that i will never find someone here. that no one will ever love me. i’m scared that maybe yogurtland is the best i’ll ever do. that i’ll never amount to anything. and if i push people away and never try to get that better paying job, then i won’t be rejected. i won’t be hurt.

all of these thoughts are swirling around in my head. i haven’t slept in weeks. i’m exhausted and sore and sad. really sad. and scared. and worried. i can feel myself slipping. i don’t want to go back. the darkness scares me more than anything. i can’t do that again. i can’t get to that point. i may not make it back this time.